Elizabeth

It's Friday night, I'm considering this whole blog thing and wondering what the hell I think I'm doing and then I get an email about "her". Another cryptic post, not knowing how to read it I try to cast it aside but I'm like some well trained dog who has to react to all she does. I still have dreams about living back in Roseville, Michigan aka Hell. I would dream all that was my reality while living
there...

This is a fabulous turkey sub (Hoagie here in PA) easily distracted tonight.

I thought about this woman I will call Elizabeth today. Elizabeth was in the same Psych hospital I was in. Elizabeth was easily 350lbs and at least 6'3. The patients in the PSYCH hospital were making fun of her!Can you even believe the nerve? Anyway, I went up to her in the lobby downstairs and told her ( I was 15 yrs old ) that I would be her friend. She was a big woman in stature but very very petite and ladylike in nature. In a very depressed gesture she quietly thanked me ( she was years and years older that me) and I went on my way.

I was in the lobby because it was visiting hours, although I had no visitors I would go down and try to make myself a part of everyone else's family. I did that very thing too because other patients were introducing me to their families.

One lady in particular I will call Mae, was a super sweet grandmother who seemed completely normal to me except after she would have her "treatments'. Mae would forget who I was, forget her family members and worst of all she turned from sweet to mean. I found out later Mae was getting shock treatments...

As it got later the lobby emptied out, certain lights were being put out and the receptionist said twice, "you know you shouldn't be down here". I watched as the cleaning woman with a huge rolling carrier of virtually everything walked past. She smiled at me then the receptionist sternly said, "time to go upstairs"

I slowly gathered myself up to go to my room and heard a horrible sickening scream and being young and stupid got up and ran to the cleaning lady standing in the doorway of the public womans bathroom like I could do something and froze in the doorway as I saw Elizabeth hanging from the ceiling by her sweater. Her eyes were staring directly at me completely and gotesquely bulged out of her face and her tongue was hanging out of her mouth.

Eventually they (nursing staff) realized I was standing there and got me out of the way but somehow I managed to stick around as they wheeled Elizabeth past me, her head was facing my direction and she was so close I could have easily reached out and touched her.Her eyes still staring at me and her skin and tongue gray and her entire face bloated like a spooky wax figure, an image I will never get out of my head.
 Later that evening I overheard the nurses talking about her saying that she lived but was permanently brain dead.

Poor Elizabeth.

I was in that hospital after a suicide attempt, I was done with life and tired of being so unimportant to everyone. For God sake I was a kid and noone would give  me the decency of food and shelter? Yes, there is stigma and shame with that and that's ok, that's between God and me and I have to live with that.